War Machine

It’s basically Predator

The movie IS appropriately grimy…

War Machine (2026)

3 / 5

Remember Ahhnold’s Commando phase in the 80s, where he was on either side of 40 but still ripped, and went on a decade-long run of cheeseball action movies full of one-liners and cartoonishly gratuitous violence? Good times, man. I mention it here to remind you, dear reader, that early in that period, Schwarzenegger made Predator. I’m glad to see Alan Ritchson enter his Commando phase. I hope he cranks out a dozen movies like this while he’s still got the legs for it, because this is certainly his Predator.

Ritchson plays “81,” a … okay I need to swerve and beef about this. War Machine, tragically, came to be during the current second screen era of streaming, where moviemakers cut corners under the assumption that the audience is full of people scrolling their phones and therefore not paying super close attention. However, as a grumpy GenXer who actually puts his phone down to watch a movie, I hate this era. So it FROSTS me that none of the characters that matter in this show get names. This is glossed over via the overarching conceit of U.S. Army Ranger School, where the soldiers are simply assigned numbers for the convenience of the school staff, but they don’t even tell EACH OTHER their names. They’re all just numbers the whole time. Even in the inevitable moments when some character development could occur and the movie could have the around-a-campfire “My name’s John” scene where the characters validate each other’s humanity … nope. Not in this movie. Everybody’s just a number, and if you’re primarily scrolling your phone anyway it doesn’t matter, because you’re going to glance up only occasionally to notice “the black guy” got wounded, or “the girl soldier” actually knows how to drive an IFV (or that a guy breaks his hand, sets his own fingers, and it’s magically fine for the rest of the film). If you’re actually watching the movie, though, it’s maddening.

And that’s a shame, because it actually does pretty good work being an updated homage to Predator. The alien mech is watchable and properly menacing, even if the details have some fridge logic issues. The sound effects and music do yeoman work. The movie doesn’t shy away from guys getting graphically blown in half by zany alien weaponry. The soldiers are all competent and dedicated, without a cliche weak link who everybody knows will panic at the wrong moment (and then unsurprisingly does), though a couple of them survive way too much for way too long. It’s a watchable movie. I just wish the filmmakers would have trusted the audience to, you know, watch it.

3 stars of 5: I liked it, and it’s got franchise potential, but for heaven’s sake start trusting the audience again, Hollywood.