The Parable of the Couch
Things are only as bad as you think
Then came Loren Dean, and he saith unto them:
“So you have this couch. You hate your couch. You have a whole list of reasons why: It’s tattered because the cat got to it, stained because the kids got to it, stale-smelling because it’s old, the wrong color now that you painted the room, and too low now that your back is getting worse. You roll your eyes and heave a deep sigh when you have to sit on it. You’re embarrassed to have people over because they might see it. You want to get rid of it so bad.
“And then you help somebody move. And you see their couch.
“And you come home, and look at your couch, the couch you were prepared to burn just yesterday. And it’s not so bad. Your couch still has some life left in it. Yeah, it’s an okay couch. It’ll do for a while longer.
“Those who have ears to hear, let them hear.”
If you start feeling bad about your life, take a look around at other peoples’ lives. Not the curated lives on social media–put your phone down. Go out into your neighborhood and LOOK at other peoples’ lives. You’re okay.
There’s a 50/50 chance that anybody you meet, at any time and in any place, is having some kind of problem that’s worse than yours. And each kind of problem is affecting a different 50% of the people you meet, such that everyone you meet is, in some way, worse off than you.
If you treat people with some charitable respect, assuming they’re in the middle of some kind of life problem, you’ll be right half the time. Batting .500 ain’t bad. And for the other half of the people you meet, you’ll just plain be a nice person, which isn’t bad, either. So give the people around you a break. You will find that you’ll be giving yourself a break, too.
"By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves." ~ Gordon Hinckley
So how can you give this break to others and yourself? The first step is easier than you think. If you’ll indulge me, I’d like to offer you an alternative conversation starter that will get you moving in the right direction.
I noticed something a while back that prompted me to change my speech pattern. It occurred to me that everybody asks how others are doing, but nobody wants an answer of substance. The greeting is pretty standard:
“Hello, how are you?”
“Good, how are you?”
“Good.”
Nobody really wants it to be any more than that; it’s just “hello” with nine extra letters. But if at least half the people you meet are in fact having a bad day, then this tired old greeting becomes an invitation to lie to each other, which seems to me to be the worst way to start a genuine conversation. Worse, everyone seems to know the question is A)meaningless by virtue of being B)disingenuous, but the pattern is so ingrained in American culture now that it perpetuates. Everybody says it, nobody means it, and everybody just tries to move past it as quickly as possible, almost embarrassed about it.
I know, right now some of you are saying “but I mean it! I’d be totally willing to hear about someone’s bad day if they were really having one!” I’m sure you want to believe that, but come on. Suppose someone did suddenly dump something heavy on you right at the outset of a conversation. Suppose you asked “how are you?” and the response launched into a sick cat, misbehaving kids, overdue bills, car trouble, needed home repairs, family squabbles, work drama, or on and on (“look at my couch and how awful it is!”). You’d look for the exit. You know you would.
Even if you think you would try and help, be honest: you’re not prepared to genuinely help anybody with any genuine problem they’re facing right this second. The vast majority of the time, even if you ask in good faith and listen with charity in your heart, there won’t be anything you can do to help anyway (if you can help, then help, obviously, but be real: the odds aren’t great). Quit lying to yourself about it.
You are not a bad person. Wanting to be kind to the people you meet is a fine way to want to be. But the way society has decided to express that leads to a dead end that makes everybody feel worse, not better. There’s a better way to be kind to the people you meet, a better way to spread some good cheer. Here’s how I try and do it. I invite you to try it.
Instead of saying “hello, how are you?” say “Good morning.”
Instead of responding with “Good, how are you?” say “It’s a good day!”
It’s old school, but often that’s the best school (hear that? That’s the sound of Chesterton’s Fence squeaking in the wind).
I find this typically accomplishes several things. First, it immediately engages the other person in the conversation, because the conversation didn’t start the way they expect. I’ve had people actually hesitate, genuinely startled when I said “good morning”. It’s even more pronounced when it’s “good afternoon” or “good evening,” because almost nobody says that anymore. People have become so calloused to the “how are you” lie that not using it forces some people into a hard reboot. People suddenly focus on the interaction rather than murmuring the usual pattern as quickly as possible.
Second, it states my own hope for their day. “Good morning” is a shortened form of “I wish you a good morning,” not “are you having a good morning?” It’s not a question, it’s a declaration of my hope for the other person’s day. The whole tone of the greeting thus immediately shifts from me asking someone a question they will probably lie to answer, to me expressing a hope for positive things to be happening in people’s lives. If you’re someone who believes you would actually help someone if they told you they were in need, try wishing them good things without pretend-asking if they need them. You’ll be surprised how it makes you feel.
Third, it declares that the day is “good” without making it contingent on the other person’s affirmation (an affirmation, remember, that is a lie at least half the time). Declaring the day good actually relieves pressure on the other person. People notice. I can’t count the number of times my “It’s a good day!” has elicited a smile or even genuine laugh and the (unsolicited) reply “it IS a good day!” It hits the other person like a revelation.
Mindset matters. Moving the start of a conversation from the weak question of the day’s quality to a pronouncement that it is, in fact, a good day, will improve your day. It will also improve the day of at least half the people you meet, and probably a lot more than half. It’s astonishing, and 1000% more positive as a conversation-starter than the usual pair of no-eye-contact lies too many of us have come to accept as normal.
This kind of greeting requires nothing from the people I meet. I am directly wishing them a good day, and declaring that the day is objectively good (your couch isn’t as bad as you think). That does not require any affirmation or agreement. It does not require anyone validate me for asking a question. Rather, it invites people to join me in the good day. It continues to surprise me how many people voluntarily do so, how many decide their couch isn’t so bad, even if it might be just for the few minutes that we’re chatting. I find that it spreads a little cheer, and sometimes (maybe most of the time) spreading a little cheer is all I can really do for anybody anyway. It’s my own little stand against the darkness and despair of life.
I invite you to join me.
Give it a try. It’s a good day.