Haunted Mansion

There’s always room for one more reference to the ride

You gotta admit, these people LOOK like New Orleans

Haunted Mansion (2023)

3 / 5

Disney’s whole vibe revolves around one single concept: you can trust us with your kids. People have believed it for a long time. Lately, though, the apparatchiks of the house of mouse have given the public ample reason to believe that their view of that guiding star has grown cloudy, veering into something more like: you can trust us to help indoctrinate your children in politically correct worldviews. Some families are cool with that. Some families are not. I mention that so that, whichever way you feel about it, you understand that I understand it, and understand that I’m not going to try to gaslight you about it.  

I’m happy to report that Haunted Mansion doesn’t do any veering into “modern cultural awareness” (the kind that tanked Lightyear, Strange World, and Elemental). It could have, and it’s not hard to see where it could have, which means it chooses not to, to enormous benefit. This is a movie intent on showing kids a good time, not teaching them Something Very Important. It’s a throwback to the glory days of Disney live action, everything from The Absent-Minded Professor to The Parent Trap to The Watcher in the Woods. That last one is the key here, and highlights a quiet footnote of Disney’s “trust us with your kids” doctrine: kids can handle a jump scare. And if you’re a parkgoer, you know the Haunted Mansion ride is a must-do every. Single. Trip. 

This movie leans into the ride. If you are someone who loves the parks and loves the ride you’ll spot a ton of Easter eggs in here, as the plucky victims of the haunting figure things out in the creepy old house outside New Orleans. The paintings, wallpaper, candelabras, furniture, hallways, busts, the attic, the dining room, the graveyard, the sinister narration, the “Grim Grinning Ghosts” song, it’s ALL in here; they even work in a nod to the doom buggy ride cars. It’s not groundbreaking cinema, but the cast seems to be having a ball, and their enthusiasm is infectious. It’s fun, easy to follow, and jump-scary without being disturbing. If your kids are old enough to be able to sit through a movie in a theater in the first place, they’ll be fine in here (with you alongside them, of course). 

3 stars of 5: Haunted Mansion is an echo of the Disney of old, and you can trust it with your kids.